And the emptiness feels huge. Something we can't ignore, even though it wasn't there just a moment, a day, a while ago.
For most of our lives our wombs have been empty. And even if they were only filled for a day, or for a full term pregnancy that ended with an infant death - suddenly there’s this HUGE hole encompassing our wombs and our hearts. And even though I’m at been empty before it’s never been empty like THIS. This kind of empty feels different. This kind of empty is bigger.
It’s gut twisting, heart squeezing, and just plain dizzying pain. The grief is indescribable. But if you’ve been there you get it without my trying to describe it. And the same is true in reverse.
If you are in the midst of a loss or even if it’s been years and you still need more support - I’m here. I see you. I’ve felt what you’re feeling and I understand it all. Message me. I want to work with you and help you ❤️
The reminders, the kindnesses, were what kept me afloat in the moments when it was hardest to breathe. When my body and my mind needed a nap just to make it through the second half of the day. cause The days were too long and the nights not restful enough for this sorrowful heart.
Through my experiences, through my journey I healed so much slower than I expected. But I tried to give myself the grace to do it all in my own way and at any pace.
I know my grief will never shrink, but my healing and my capacity for love will just grow bigger around the grief. There is NO letting my little Jax go, just moving forward with his sweet memories and hopefully a little silent guidance too. The way I'll remember every flower and every kind word sent to me.
Never in a million years did I think that I would be writing anything like this. Your daddy, your sister, and I had our entire world turned upside down and inside out all at once in a split second.
You, my sweet baby, who were with me for just one hundred and eighteen short days while snuggled up inside, happy and warm, my amazing boy who knew no fear or sorrow or loneliness, not even once, you, in the bitter end, never made it earth side.
However, a part of you will be with us forever, in our hearts. You are so special to us, and it’s hard to wrap my head around the fact that you’re really gone. It will take time and healing beyond what I can comprehend at the moment, I know.
And even though I carried you, sweet Jax, for a mere moment, I will love you for my entire lifetime. You will always be a part of our family, and one of our babies—even if we never got to hold you.
Because of that, Jaxon Percival Green, you will never be a hush-hush subject for me. I’ll admit, it’s been an absolutely awful experience. The very worst of my entire life. But as a family, we are getting through it, and we are just starting to heal.
And Jax, I’m so sorry that you won’t get to meet your daddy or your sister. They are the best people in the entire fucking world. They are the ones who love me most, who support me like it’s what they are made to do. Travis, your daddy, he is my soulmate and is stuck with me for life and after, because as horrible as this is, there’s no one else I could or would want to go through these awful bits of life with. He keeps me going. And we are so lucky to have the best daughter in the world, your sister. She’s so strong and amazing because of how phenomenal daddy and my relationship and strength together is. Daddy helps make your sister so special, just like you, and he helps make me better.
I love them both, just like you would have, more than I can ever figure out how to say or show. I’m so lucky to have them both by my side and you, sweet Jax, above us, watching over our family.
I will never stop missing you or loving you.
I wish you were here with me, in my arms instead of looking down.
All my love,
There are about a thousand things we can talk about when we talk about miscarriage
Here's just a collection of what I've posted so far